The Grief No One Talks About
Real grief doesn’t look like a perfectly timed tear on a meditation cushion.
It looks like shaking. Stillness. Sobbing on the floor with no words left. Sometimes it looks like nothing at all, just a body frozen under the weight of what it never got to feel.
In a world obsessed with polished healing, even grief can become performance. You might find yourself trying to cry “the right way,” Say the perfect thing in therapy,
Or narrate your pain so it’s easier for someone else to understand.
But real grief isn’t neat. And it isn’t for them. It’s for you.
In this post, we’ll explore why grief is the portal to real healing, and how to let it move through you without performing, justifying, or forcing it.
Why Grief Is the Portal (Not the Problem)
Most people think grief is what gets in the way of healing.
But the truth is, grief is the way.
If you skip it, if you try to rush past the ache, tidy up the emotion, or make it sound more “spiritual” your body holds it anyway.
Unfelt grief doesn’t disappear. It burrows.
It shows up as:
Tension in your jaw and shoulders
Anxiety that makes no logical sense
Exhaustion that rest doesn’t fix
Emotional numbing, zoning out, or shutdown
The urge to fix, help, or explain instead of just feeling
These aren’t random symptoms. They’re signs of grief that’s been bypassed.
Grief isn’t a weakness to overcome. It’s an intelligence inside your nervous system.
A sacred function that helps you metabolize emotional truth, especially the parts no one else witnessed.
When you finally let grief move?
You don’t collapse. You don’t lose control. You come home.
How to Grieve Without Performing It
You don’t have to cry on command. You don’t need to collapse for it to count. And you definitely don’t need to turn your pain into a poetic Instagram caption.
Grief isn’t a performance. It’s a release. And the moment you stop trying to “grieve the right way,” your body might finally feel safe enough to let it move.
Here’s what real grief looks like, when it’s not curated, controlled, or polished:
1. It’s quiet… until it isn’t.
Grief doesn’t always come as sobs. Sometimes it starts with a lump in your throat, a pause in your breath, or an ache behind your eyes. Let that be enough. Don’t chase the emotion — let it arrive.
2. It’s ugly and sacred.
There may be snot. Shaking. Wordless sounds. Or silence so loud it hums. This is not the grief they show in movies. This is the kind that saves your life.
3. It makes no sense to the mind.
You might grieve a moment from years ago. A person who’s still alive. A version of you that never got to exist. You don’t need to justify it. If it rises, it’s real.
4. It isn’t linear.
You might feel clear one day, wrecked the next. That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. Grief loops. Echoes. Moves in spirals. Let it.
The moment you stop trying to package your pain is the moment your nervous system starts to believe:
“This is safe. I can feel this now.”
That’s not collapse. That’s return.
A Somatic Grief Practice
You don’t need a script. You need a moment where you don’t abandon yourself.
This is a simple, body-based practice to help you start feeling grief safely, without pushing, fixing, or analyzing.
Step-by-Step:
1. Get somewhere still.
Sit down. Lie down. Get under a blanket. Be somewhere you won’t need to talk, move, or explain.
2. Place one hand on your chest. The other on your belly.
No need to “breathe deeply.” Just feel the contact. Let your body register: I’m here.
3. Say this aloud or in your mind:
“I’m allowed to grieve what they never gave me.” Pause. Let it land. If nothing comes, that’s okay.
4. Stay with whatever arises.
Tears. Anger. Numbness. Nothing. All valid. The goal is not emotion, it’s presence.
5. When it feels like enough, whisper this to yourself:
“I didn’t leave myself this time.”
That’s it.
You don’t have to fix anything. You just have to be here for what your body already knows.
This is how grief begins to move, not by force, but by permission.
You Don’t Need to Transcend This. You Need to Feel It.
There’s nothing wrong with you for still hurting. You’re not behind. You’re not blocked. You’re not broken.
You’re grieving.
And that’s not a step you move past. It’s a step you move with.
Real healing doesn’t happen when you finally transcend the pain. It happens the moment you stop pretending you’re over it, and start honoring that you’re still in it.
Grief is a process, not a problem. A passage, not a flaw.
And when you stay present with what hurts, even for a few breaths, you stop performing healing and start living it.
Invitation to Go Deeper
If this grief lives in your body, not just your mind, you don’t have to carry it alone.
The Descent Journal was created for the exact moments when pain resurfaces and nothing else has helped.
The Return Circle is a 5-day, voice-led ritual space where you’re allowed to feel without explaining.
You don’t have to transcend this. You just have to stay.
